Stuff is always going on in my head and none of it is pleasant.
For the past few weeks it is been like this:
an inner scream, an inner argument, an inner struggle to stop the screaming and arguing.
Every now and then my brain will seize on something external that I can try to attribute the brain screaming to but I am channeling feelings at the wrong thing.
In actuality, there is no place where they belong and no place for them to go. So around and around I go– barely keeping it together. Saved only by routine.
When people scratch my surface, they are far away. At first I can’t understand what their words mean. What their intentions are. If I did something wrong. My brain revvs up with even more interference and I might smile at them and feel so distant from them and
wonder if they
By the end of each day I am more tired than the day before.
At the end of each day, when I do a mental inventory of my faculties, they seem smashed and bruised.
At the end of the day I am so worn out with struggling with myself that I just want the day to end like flicking off a light.
But my body keeps me awake, flicking and twitching its own inventory of itself. I have to put a thumb under each side of my butt to keep my arms still at night. My right thumb is sore and sprained.
It is the time of year that I like to sit on my porch and have that feeling you feel when porch sitting but I barely feel the feeling licking at me and am more irritated by a car that simply drives by.
I wonder if this is the way it is going to be. If it is just going to get worse.
And that sends my brain further into turmoil.