The slow fade

It doesn’t feel slow to me.

It feels like I’m being pulled in by the undertow over and over.

Miles out.

Into a dry ocean.

My thoughts are duller and they no longer fall over each other. There is starting to be space between them.

The level of oblivion I have towards daily life is something I have to try to sneak outside myself to measure. I have stopped cooking. I seldom use the car. I have stopped engaging with others unless I am directed to or am scheduled to. I know that there’s a lot of home improvement that I want to happen, but either it can’t happen soon enough or I don’t have faith it will happen at all.

The emotions I feel the most are impatience with myself for not being able to do anything right and regret when I hurt people.

The collection of memories and facts I’ve forgotten has outgrown its habitat. It needs an island of its own.

I sound like I’m drunk and people on the phone who don’t know me are put off by it.

And my brain is too thick with obstacles, too sick with HD, to be written about with any great insight by its owner.

What other people see is a slow fade.

But I can’t describe how fast I am becoming an empty vessel.

A remnant of myself, clinging to stay, bobs up every now and then.

Like a cork in a turbulent, empty ocean.

 

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8 thoughts on “The slow fade

  1. Your writing is beautiful, painful, mournful, insightful. As I watch my friend experience the slow fade, your writing brings me understanding and ironically – clarity. Thank you for sharing you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you. My heart is heavy with all that you carry. Your writing is beautiful and haunting- a translation for a language I do not speak, in a place I cannot go. Thank you for giving me a glimpse.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Have been waiting for your next post. Sorry but I will not be coming back to US due to my family especially my dad. He is 75 this year and has history of heart attack and we nearly lost him that year. I was in US that year following my daughter’s dad to US for his deployment. That was during that time that we decided to migrate to US for a better life. Recent events due to him also have made me upset. He is not giving me any so called allowance starting from this month. I do panick when using money. Yesterday I sponsored this Africa kid for a period of two years. Each month is Singapore currency $35. I do not regret but will get worried if I cannot find a part time job or contract job. I also have slur speech when talk too much. I also notice having involuntary movement on my hands.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My sister has moved into later stages of this most awful disease. Reading your words is helping me to see what she can’t explain well anymore. Thank you for sharing so generously.

    Liked by 1 person

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