Not my day to die

Yesterday I was thinking, as I often do, about how much better it would be for people who love me if I wasn’t around.

Sometimes just trying to function day to day with HD, I screw up things around me so badly that the only way I can see to make the pain and shame of it stop is to end my life.

But then my son texted me.

A troubled friend of his (who I will call Jake) had spent some time in a psychiatric hospital. Four days after being released, Jake was able to buy a shotgun. (Welcome to the U.S.) After an agonizing, nightlong search, Jake was found in a car– where he had killed himself.

Suddenly everything became real.

I set aside mentally minimizing  the impact my suicide would have on my children.

Thoughts of how Jake’s family and friends will be permanently scarred by his death edged out the rationale behind my plan.

I know that, despite the many roadblocks in his life,  Jake had a life ahead of him that had worth and now that is gone forever. So now I grieve for Jake who, through his own pain, may have bought me some time.

Because, even possessed by a monster, I am forced to admit that I am still worth something to someone.

 

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4 thoughts on “Not my day to die

  1. Unlike you, i do not struggle as much as you. But it has slowly impact me starting with my coordination and balancing. I notice i forget things i need to do and forget about the names of new friends. I take longer than usual to eat. Sometimes i will get tired of eating. And think that you know my story well via facebook. There are time when i will ask why should i live if i have lost my daughter. I also ask God why. But i always remember family and friends who love and care for me. I also encounter good foood sellers who help me to carry my food. I am a blessed person indeed. God still take care of me. God is also loving you and taking care of you. Never give up! You are loved and care by many friends including me. Be a HD warrior! 💓❤💓

    Liked by 1 person

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