The elephant in the room is me: Fat with HD

I gained a lot of weight with my first two pregnancies and I made the effort to return to my previous size after each one. But I was 39 when I had my third child, and this time it was different. I felt too tired to do anything about it. All of my attempts to change my lifestyle failed and, as the pre-testing problems of just living life day-to-day ensued, I used food as an escape, a comfort, a drug and a weapon.

When I found out I was HD positive, I had a lot of negative reactions and eating and inactivity were among them.

I spent years wondering if I was punishing myself with food, or if what I was doing was giving myself one last hurrah every night because who knew if that tomorrow would be the day I descended further into hell. Now I realize it doesn’t matter why. What matters is what I do next.

For a long time I avoided being photographed, but realized that an important part of shouldering HD, for me, is the obligation to leave behind ways for my kids to remember me when I was a participant in their world. Being fat does not disqualify me from leaving behind a record, so I have pictures of my (fat) self all over the place. When I look at them I am stunned.

My kick-ass therapist got really basic with me a not long ago about my weight. Intervention basic.

She knows that doctors don’t mind if HD patients start out a little heavy, but I was stuck on a seemingly unstoppable conveyor belt of gaining weight. I couldn’t wear the fat clothes I had bought to replace the fat clothes I had bought to replace my real clothes.

She told me she was sure that I didn’t want to be someone who could not get out of bed due to excess weight.

I immediately thought of myself as the mother in the film, “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” and suddenly the fact that I ate ice cream every day was not a joking matter.

That was about a month ago and I am making some changes. I have found an alternative way of eating that binds me to a routine, which has been very helpful. I have one Facebook friend who lost a lot of weight and, while we’ve never met face-to-face, she has been inspirational by sharing her journey and through offering unconditional encouragement.

So far I have lost about 12 pounds! That is about the size of 2 toy poodles, and I still need to lose a German Shepherd dog’s worth of weight.

My cholesterol and triglycerides had been sky high even with a high dose of statins, but now they are low normal, so my doctor has cut that dosage in half!

Activity has been harder, so I have lowered my initial goals for myself to engaging in exercise at least twice a week and actually walking my toy poodle around when he must relieve himself instead of standing on the porch holding the leash.

I realized that, even though the fat might have protected me and helped me hide, I don’t need it anymore. I have been fat all of Mark’s life. That’s eleven years that I didn’t chase him around and Randy had to take up the slack.

This isn’t the last time I’ll write about my weight loss journey.

I am sure I will do a lot of naval gazing, especially when I can see my naval again.

 

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7 thoughts on “The elephant in the room is me: Fat with HD

  1. Love your story. Love your humor. I am supposed to gain ten pounds. i managed to gain some weight in 2014 when I went to my Singapore friend’s home in Kentucky. She married an American. Her husband kept feeding us. I was so happy that i gained weight. But now I have lost my weight. i have to gain weigh again. Hugs and love

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I save these posts and catch up when I can. I’ve LOVED watching your journey on FB, especially with the images of what the weight equals–– So fun! Have you considered a FitBit? I LOVE mine. It’s such a motivator. And you can just walk in place. Walk on a slow treadmill, while watching a show you like. I don’t allow myself to watch episodes of some shows, unless I’m on the treadmill… great motivation, because I’m not on the couch! Marching in place, where you can hold something to steady, is another way to get steps… I am so rooting for you, Sarah! You rock!!

    Liked by 1 person

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