Goodbye, irritation. Hello, rage.

My experience with HD holds that I no longer have irritations, grouchiness or impatience. I go straight to rage. It is always the same flavor. The same intensity. The same heat. No matter what lit the fuse. No matter how insignificant I recognize the slight to be. No matter how wrongly I know I’ve blamed someone. No matter how much I know I don’t have any reason to be angry.

There it is.

It is more common by far in the evenings. In fact, I am vigilant to avoid situations that might trigger slight irritations in other, regular people after 5 p.m. This is when I take my mood stabilizer. The heavy dose. This is when I stay away from people and social media. And when I can’t, I take the three tranquilizer pills that I have historically saved for bedtime. I have been taking them earlier and earlier.

Because something always sets me off.

Notice I am not saying some ONE.

That’s because I know that the rage I am suppressing and channeling and grinding through my teeth has no rightful home with anyone else.

Growing up and too far into adulthood, I was a rage receptacle for my HD-stricken mother.

It’s always been my greatest fear that with the progression of the disease, my anger will hurt people I love. My husband suggests that things might not play out that way. I used to be pretty easy-going.

But that doesn’t explain why I now have to be vigilant every single night.

I have my back against the front door and I’m trying to keep out a terrible villain.

If I strain harder and harder to keep this part of me at bay, some part of me will eventually prolapse and it will burst onto the scene–uninvited and unwanted.

And that will really piss me off.

 

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2 thoughts on “Goodbye, irritation. Hello, rage.

  1. Hello, I have Huntington’s Disease also and have lots of anger issues and some rage when driving which is even worse or deadly! My wife tries to calm me when this happens but it’s like her words just hit a brick wall with my head. After many years or a ( lifetime ) of anger / rage issues and a thousand doctors later. I was told I should seek therapy. Well therapy is crap because unless the Therapist has HD they don’t have any clue, only from what they read in books or see in people, but to experience it themselves is a whole different level of understanding!! As I discovered recently what helps me when I get to my boiling point of rage or anger is to just walk away until my rage level calms enough to think rationally or I can go off and find something to tinker with that I ( enjoy ) doing and it takes my thoughts off of whatever is pissing me off. If that doesn’t always work then I apologize to whom it was that pissed me off even if I do not mean it and that opens my heart up so I don’t feel so cold and crude emotionally, then after I realize I was the one who was wrong and needed to Apologize because even though I may not have initially meant the apology in anger, it was accepted and most of the times it is the person who is fregged up with HD not the other person I found in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

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