“Now I’m just somebody that I used to know” Part 2

The me that I used to know could organize events.

But now I am afraid to check my email.

This me, this thing that is left, never bathes, rarely thinks before acting and has bouts of mental anguish every day at about five p.m.

I am left to wear the clothes of the person I used to be, and people still recognize me as such.

They expect more of me than I can give.

I explain my limitations, but because I look the same, they can’t accept that my brain is turning into mush.

Most people’s brains don’t change radically, if they’re lucky, so I can see how it might be hard to accept that I am a lower functioning being in some areas.

Several months ago, before I realized I couldn’t do it anymore, I agreed to help my church, an organization that I love, with marketing and promotion.

A split second after I made the commitment, I realized I simply no longer had the capacity to do what it took.

So I wrote a long, frank letter to the group’s leader, explaining that, at the very most, I could take notes at meetings to give to my husband so he could do his part.

Yesterday I received a letter from the group’s leader, saying that if I still “WANTED” to help with promotions, these are the things I could do.

I wanted to bash what is left of my brains on the wall.

To think I am not doing this because I don’t WANT to when there is nothing more I would love to do than to be able to function again.

To not accept what  cannot be seen. On a churchy level, I thought people would be able to accept the reality of my brain damage using this spiritual metaphor, but it is not turning out that way.

There is nothing more that I would WANT to do than to help my church. I love it and everyone there and even though I know it is not my fault that I have this disease, I kick myself every day for not being able to contribute more.

I will do what I can, but I hope they understand it will be in the form of handing out brochures.

Until I can’t do that any more.


2 thoughts on ““Now I’m just somebody that I used to know” Part 2

  1. I don’t think people try to put guilt on others, but it comes across that way. (well, actually, some are quite good at it) perhaps the church was feeling you really had wanted to help but couldn’t and they were trying to find a way you could. It has to be frustrating for you. Love to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. i understand what you are saying my friend. It can be frustrating when you feel that you are being ‘rejected’ by your church. i am sure that your church will welcome you helping them giving out brochures and other things that you love to do. It is not your fault that you have HD. It is not my fault that I have HD too. We can only say God has a reason for everything that happens to us. I am thankful that i have become Christian. Always remember your posts are affecting and helping a lot of people to understand HD and struggles. You are an amazing friend who is friendly, loving, caring, supportive and more. I do wish that i can be more like you. You are loved! Don’t forget to continue to fight!

    Liked by 1 person

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