Outrunning myself

Today, life threw me a curve ball. A glitch. An uncertainty. Nothing big enough or bad enough to have churned up the emotional forces that bubble within me right now. Searching for weak spots to seep out.

This is a feeling that I have felt so many times when things are surprising, sudden or unsatisfactory. I squint so I won’t cry. I pull my shoulders inward. And I am in a place so uncomfortable, it feels like I’m mainlining that indescribably dark, hellish HD feeling.

I got myself off the road and into the house and have tried to distract myself, but there’s no way out of it without an antipsychotic drug or a total meltdown. I’m going for the drug.

I’m going to go take that drug, and a few other sedatives. As prescribed.

And wait for the HD darkness to take up less than all of me. There’s no way I can run around and get to the other side of it.

I can’t outrun myself. But if I can wait a little while, I may catch up with my emotions before they overtake me.

 

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