Volume 2: acting “as if”

I’ve been through some sort of metamorphosis. My kickass therapist thinks that it has to do with my job and I agree with her. I now have something I can gravitate towards and burn mental energy that would otherwise find a way to get me in to trouble. My work is self-soothing. I get to perseverate, my focus is locked in, and I work for hours. It makes me feel better. Like I’ve tricked HD and every day that I work, I create something new.

At my job, I have not yet had to come clean about the fact that my brain cells are dying because I work from home and nobody can see the amount of time I compensate and all the notes and checklists I make.

Because I get to act “as if” in this one important area of my life, it is bleeding over into other areas. I dispassionately observe my own stumbling and staggering as if I was looking at someone else’s broken toy.

I know that when my emotions feel akin to walking on a razor blade,that I need to be away from people until things calm down. And so far, things have always calmed down. I’ll even say to people, “Look, this is what happens sometimes and this is how I deal with it.”

A time will come when HD will overtake me,  but that time is not now. It’s like HD is happening to somebody else while I am busy living.

That may be denial, but I’m running with it.

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Volume 2: acting “as if”

  1. Sarah sis sis
    I’m feeling like that’s exactly what happened when u were here in Cali. HD was not apparent in you to ANYONE around you. You were so engaged and involved and participated fully in everything we did.
    I think you are on the right track because now you have good examples of redirecting the perservating part into constructive activity ( some that even pay u back financially).
    I always feel you are one of the brightest stars in the sky and this recent reflection of yours just further supports my feelings.
    I learn so much from you everyday!
    Your sister sister DK

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  2. It’s not denial. It’s living life to the fullest of your capabilities and I applaud you for doing that. My husband attacks HD with the same resolve. He knows he walks differently, but he’s still walking. He knows he has trouble finding the right words, but he’s still talking. He knows he has trouble getting a key in a keyhole, a screwdriver in a screw… shaving is harder, everthing is harder. But he’s still doing it because he can still do it. And for that he is grateful. So keep on tricking HD, as my dear husband will be too, because for now, you’re still in charge and I’m glad for you. Thank you for sharing and keep on keeping on!

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