I’ve been through some sort of metamorphosis. My kickass therapist thinks that it has to do with my job and I agree with her. I now have something I can gravitate towards and burn mental energy that would otherwise find a way to get me in to trouble. My work is self-soothing. I get to perseverate, my focus is locked in, and I work for hours. It makes me feel better. Like I’ve tricked HD and every day that I work, I create something new.
At my job, I have not yet had to come clean about the fact that my brain cells are dying because I work from home and nobody can see the amount of time I compensate and all the notes and checklists I make.
Because I get to act “as if” in this one important area of my life, it is bleeding over into other areas. I dispassionately observe my own stumbling and staggering as if I was looking at someone else’s broken toy.
I know that when my emotions feel akin to walking on a razor blade,that I need to be away from people until things calm down. And so far, things have always calmed down. I’ll even say to people, “Look, this is what happens sometimes and this is how I deal with it.”
A time will come when HD will overtake me, but that time is not now. It’s like HD is happening to somebody else while I am busy living.
That may be denial, but I’m running with it.